This story has a great deal of potential, however, there is one major problem with it...
Going in, I expected script format, something have no issue with. However, you are jumping from scripting format to first person narrative, something that jars you out of the reading. I would suggest that you pick one or the other and stick with that, not go between the two. Doing that makes for a much more pleasant reading experience and is easier on the eyes, allowing the words to flow.
Fixing that issue will improve things greatly and move the story along towards fulfill the potential it does have!
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